I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
