Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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