Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
