Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
