well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
