He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
