Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
