they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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