guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
