Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
