dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
