What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
