don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
