FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My pussy is not your playground.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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