So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
