you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
