After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
