fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
