U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
