I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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