Cold hands, warm shart.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
