Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
