i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
