Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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