not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
