My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
