My cat gives me a boner
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
