My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
