Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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