Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
