So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
