i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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