I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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