Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
