the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
