he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
