But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pants are for mortals
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
