the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
