I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
When are your genitals available?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
