According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
