i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
