I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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