never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
