In the future we'll all be gay
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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