Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
