i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She bit a glass in half.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
