i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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