how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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