My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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