Just cropdusted the office
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
